Alfred Aftermath

It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, mostly due to the fine gentleman at one time known as Tropical Cyclone Alfred.

 Alfred after a while of lurking off the coast of Queensland decided it was going to hit around Brisbane. This is a bit unusual as Brisbane is by no means tropical, and cyclones have generally been things that happen to other parts of Queensland. 

 With the way my schedule work, I was going to be working day shift the day before and after it was due to hit, and night shifts the next two days. However, due to Alfred deciding to hang off the coast overnight, the worst of it was on my first night shift.

Works prep for the cyclone was a bit mixed. It's unusual to get so much notice of a natural disaster like this (the last one was the floods a few years ago which we were about two days into before it became apparent just how bad it was going to be), so there was a fair bit of prep down. Preparations for remote work was done, sites were prepped and in some cases equipment removed to avoid it getting damaged by flooding, and so on. When the cyclone didn't hit on the expected day, it caused a little problem as some of the preparations were only practical for a limited time and stretching them out an extra day would cause some problems in and of itself. Some were easy to resolve such as allowing crews back on some sites to check up on equipment and do some more prep, others couldn't be changed and we just had to deal with more overflows.

 The night of the storm hitting was rather stressful. There were some things that came up that normally wouldn't be too much, but due to the weather we couldn't respond in a BAU fashion. The biggest was probably a water main burst due to a fallen tree. Normally, we'd work to fix it straight away, but in this case the winds were too strong and all we could do was isolate the burst and get out of dodge, which left a bunch of people without water until it was safe to go back almost a day and a half later. The stress was also piled on by the cyclone's impacts to the teams internet connectivity. My team was working from home, and half of us didn't have internet for a large part of the night, leaving the other half (of which I was part) to cover everything. Fortunately we were able to get someone from another team to join us on short notice to help out.

 On Sunday we were given the ok to return to the office (if it was safe to travel) which I did. The systems are much more reliable on the dedicated computers and there were fewer worries about losing internet or power. Two of my team couldn't get in and worked remotely, and one of them lost power partway through the night. 

In the days off post that block of shifts, I slept a lot of Monday and took Tuesday as a relaxation day. I went to a local City Cave and did a sauna, float session, and got a massage, and then went to a showing of Sister Act that night (I was impressed at how quick QPAC got back into action, actually I'm impressed overall at how quick Brisbane got back to normal even if there was a lot of small things still to be fixed up). On the way home I ran into a friend from uni who now lives in the apartment building next to mine and rather than chat in the street I invited her to my place where we spent about 2 hours talking. I'll admit I'm a pretty poor host as I didn't really have anything to offer by way of food or drink. I had planned to check in with the office on Wednesday and offer an 8 hour shift if needed, but I overslept and didn't wake up until almost noon, which was a sign of how tired I was. Thursday I had a PT session, then I went in to the office to catch up on where things were at so I didn't have to catch up on too much the next morning, and in the evening went to the book club I'm part of (Rump and Reading, we meet up at a bar on their discount steak night). I think only 2 of the 8 or so people who could make it actually finished this month's book East of Eden (I was one of the 2 who had). I'll try and put up a review soon.

Friday was back into work and while the situation wasn't great, it was better than I'd been expecting. There was still a fair bit of the business leaning in to support the recovery effort which was a help, but there were times over the weekend where a new team came on where it felt I was having to cover territory that had been sorted out the day before and getting them up to speed on areas that weren't my area of focus.

One thing I want to loop back to was the Friday night before the cyclone hit. After I finished work at 6, I spent a few hours finishing East of Eden, and then around 10pm I went out on my balcony to look out on the storm. There wasn't too much wind or rain at the time, and I stood out on my balcony looking up at the sky. At the time I was overcome by a feeling of powerlessness and a feeling that despite all the preparations I'd made both for work and for my home, ultimately there was little I could control in regards to the cyclone. This was a nearly overwhelming feeling, and lasted about half an hour before I was able to put myself together. In part this was because this was the first time in two days I'd not been overwhelmingly focused on something else, and possibly a bit due to hunger as after I'd collected myself I'd realised I'd not had a meal since breakfast, and after that realisation eating something did a lot help me pull myself together. I don't often experience strong emotions, and fear was not a pleasant one to have to wallow in.

I'm now on days off again, and tomorrow I'm flying down to Sydney to visit my sister and go to two recordings of Taskmaster Aus season 5 episodes which will be a good way to get out of the cyclone stress.

The year that was: 2024

2024 was overall a good year for me. I've made progress on a number of fronts that for a long time had seem kind of stalled and I'm looking to keep that going in the coming year.

Work

Work has been good this year. In May my team leader decided to take an extended period of leave and I stepped up to fill in for him while he's away. This was a bit daunting as I've never really considered myself a leader per se, and my ambitions have always been more along the lines of trusted adviser than top dog. Some aspects of the job have been straight forward such as the admin that comes with the job, but others have been learning experiences. Early in my tenure as lead one of the team members put in their resignation, which meant I had to go through the recruitment process on the hiring side of things. Reading resumes, conducting interviews, assessing people, delivering the bad news to those who weren't successful were all things I hadn't planned on having to do when I stepped up. It was very educational and I I'll be better prepared for future interviews as the applicant in the future from the experience. 

On the primary side of the job, I think I'm mostly going OK. There's been a few learning experiences, and a few situations that would have challenged any of the more experienced leads as well, so while I know I can (and will) do better, I don't think I'm doing too bad, and am still working to do better. 

Currently my higher duties is set to expire in May even though my lead is away until September. That's because that's the longest it can go without being made a secondment which requires an EOI to be put out and interviews done, so when that happens I'll be applying to stay in the role. And who knows if he'll feel like coming back after 18 months away traveling.

Finances

Stepping up to team lead isn't as lucrative as you might think, only 6-7 dollars an hour more, for a fair bit more stress and responsibility. However, moving into the control room 5 years ago still remains the best thing that ever happened to my finances. having finally been made permanent last year I bought a unit and left the renter class for the foreseeable future.While my living expenses have trended up over the years since, I'm still saving a fair chunk of money. I'm well ahead on my mortgage having paid off more than 10% where minimum payments would be only a bit over 2%, and since I have unlimited withdraw if something happens I can still use the extra I've paid. A chunk of that was done by taking money in my savings account and moving it over so I don't expect to be able to pay off as much next year.

The unit is still going good, it's got lots of room, a good location for me, and I'm still working to make it a bit more me rather than a blank canvas. I've started on phase 2 of furnishing, which is replacing some old items that were OK but I want something a bit nicer. The biggest part of this is a fancy dining/gaming table that will replace the plastic trestle table I bought as a desk when I first moved out as a uni student which has been serving faithfully since then. This will cost about $5500 total. The rest is replacing some old book shelves that have too much curvature on the shelves and some chairs to go with the new table.

Health

I've made some good progress this year. In addition to regular PT sessions, I've been seeing a nutritionist about once a month. This combo has seen me lose 24 kilos this year, and my pants size has dropped from 44 to 38 (I've had to buy two new belts this year and spent more on clothes than in some time). I have kind of plateaued at 105kg for the last 2-3 months, but I do want to at least get under 100kg. I've started going to a nearby Parkrun, and intend to keep going as my work schedule allows. I've only once done the 5km without having to walk at least 1km, but I'm improving and with time will get more consistent and can then work on speeding up. I still don't know how people manage times in the 16-20 minute range, but I'll be happy if I can get down to the low 30 minutes (by best time so far is 37:04, but that's an outlier and the rest are 39-42 minutes).

Social

This is probably the one area that I haven't made any progress in. A few random catch ups with friends but not much consistent contact. PAX was a good experience but it does highlight how it's a limited time only event and outside that not much happens. Similarly, Bordercon feels different now that there's fewer people I know going as well and that I'm traveling by myself rather than as a group which was how it was when I started attending. There were a few moments with people that made me feel its still worthwhile going.

One thing that is new in this space is that I started using a dating app. I've not actually gone on any dates, and only had a few matches that resulted in some chats that sort of petered out (once on my part, the rest on theirs), but actually doing this is something new. The fact that I feel like I'm ready is a step forward, and I'll see what the new year brings. 

I've been to a lot more live shows this year of a wider variety of events. TISM was a really good concert, and probably something it would have been good to be more aware of back in the day instead of just enjoying them on JJJ. They Might Be Giants was the other concert I went to that I really enjoyed. Finishing with Istanbul and Dr Worm was a great end to the show. That said both of those I went by myself and was a lone individual in a crowd. I don't mind going to shows alone, but larger events make it clear that I'm an outlier in this regards.

Looking forward

So what do I want to get out of 2025. I hope to spend most if it still acting as the team lead. There's been a few times since starting that I've filled in as a controller and it felt like I was operating on easy mode and I missed the stress/challenge of the new role. I'm not sure how I'll go when the permanent lead comes back, as I wouldn't want to go long term feeling underutilised.

I'll try and be more engaged with other people, but I'm not sure how well I'll go with that. I should try and do more in person board gaming, but my work roster makes it tricky.

Another year has gone without getting around to getting a new passport. Not that I have any plans for international travel, but it would be nice to have one again. I'm going to try and visit Adelaide this year when I take time off in October. I had planned to go this year but cancelled due to not feeling well. Add in the usual trips to Albury, Melbourne, and Innisfail, and I'll still rack up a fair few kilometres.

Party Games Aftermath 3: Reflections

The initial idea for what became party games was an in depth comparison of the two major parties, comparing them on a number of policy areas with one post a week on a different area (so one post on the NBN, one on health, one on education, etc). The look at the minor parties was to be a side project. I can't quite recall exactly what changed my mind, but I think it was one of the announcements that the number of parties contesting the election (I recall a blog post by Antony Green with links to all the parties as a starting point).

My initial idea of waiting for responses from the parties before doing the write ups obviously was a non-starter. I was wildly optimistic on how responsive they would be. In fact the recurring theme of the project was a gradual disillusionment, interspersed with occasional positives.

The number of xenophobic right wing parties is worrying. Fortunately they seem less organized than the few on the left and centre. There's also a few that seem to be people who haven't thought through the whole political party thing, and only one of those had the self awareness to admit it (The 23 Million for the record).

The engagement of the parties with the people was a mixed bag. The smaller parties made better use of social media such as twitter, but the majors also had an active, although more one way presence. I won't comment on tv coverage, because my only tv sources were Media Watch, Gruen Nation, and The Hamster Decides. Most of my news on the campaign came from watching #auspol and #ausvotes on twitter. Both hashtags were quite busy.

One last disappointment, it turns out the Google Doodle shown on election day isn't unique. They have two different ones they use that they just swap the flags when they use them for different countries.

About a third of the way in, I started to realize just what I'd got myself into, but even though at times coming close to hating the project I kept slogging through (pre commitment to a full series helped with this). This was partly frustration with the subject matter, and partly time pressures (in the two weeks before the election it took up most of my free time). One thing that kept me going was the feedback from people, which was consistently positive, so thank you to all those who did give feedback. A curiosity was a friend who liked nearly every entry on facebook while taking a position of avoiding the election as much as possible to the point of reviewing a different movie each night. I hope I wasn't his only source of information (I'm pretty sure he would have done his due diligence before voting).

The series represents about 10% of the total all time traffic to my blog.

Will I do this next election? I'm not sure, but the odds are in its favour. I'll still be doing research on all the parties around then, but I don't know if I'll blog it all like this time. If I do I'll probably be a bit more organized about it, making sure I have more time. That also assumes a reasonably full term has passed. If Abbott tries to swing an early double dissolution, I will probably still be too over it to get motivated enough to do a full series.

Thoughts on Winning Friends and Influencing People

I finally finished reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carneggie a while ago. I can't say I was really enthused by the book, as evidenced by the fact that it took me over a month to read it. My main interest in reading it was due to it having percolated into popular culture as The Book for learning how to deal with people successfully. Whether this is just due to it's age or the name recognition of the author vs it's actual merit is something I am not sure of, although I'm less inclined to give it the benefit of the doubt now that I've read it.

So why do I feel like I've not learnt much from this book that so many people swear by? Part of it is presentation. Each point is only illustrated with a series of anecdotes, and as we all should know, the plural of anecdote is not data. This is a collection of feel good stories, and if presented as such I wouldn't be so unsatisfied, but the claims it made starting out were of scholarship and research and on that basis the book oversold itself (I'll admit my background might make me view research in a more mathematical orientated way, but even loosening those standards I still feel it didn't meet the standards it claimed). Overall, it's made a claim that this is a good way to deal with people, but hasn't backed up the claim.

Another reason I didn't like the message conveyed in the book from a number of stories such as the salesman who found out a potential buyer's son liked stamps, so went out and bought a rare stamp as a gift and so got the sale, which to me feels like a bad message. The person didn't get the sale because he was selling a good product at a good price that met the needs of the buyer, but because they did something nice that was irrelevant to the transaction. I don't think it's cynical to say that if you're making a large purchase on behalf of your company, giving the sale to the guy who was nice to you just because he was nice to you is a dereliction of duty. Some of the tactics suggested in the book do seem cynical, or at least some of the applications described are. A salesman finding out the needs of the business he's trying to sell to and altering his pitch to suit is sensible and a good thing. A salesman finding out the manager is a baseball fan and spending the meeting talking baseball with the potential client is being manipulative rather than standing on his merits.

The last problem I have with the book is a message that I partly find contradictory and partly makes me feel as though I fail at being a human being. Several times the book stresses that when showing an interest in people it must be sincere, and not just flattery, but then gives examples where the interest is insincere. The part where this makes me feel like an incomplete person is that in general I don't find people interesting. Specific individuals yes, but it generally takes me quite a while to get there, and it usually requires some sort of context where I have the time to get to know them (university, work, board gaming, etc). So being told that the essential key to good interactions with people is something I don't have (and that faking it is bad) is discouraging at the least (at the most it makes me feel like a failure as a person that something fundamental to the human experience is missing in me).

So what can I gain from all this? Be nice to people? I already try to do that. Start with a positive and then move to the negative? The "You're doing this thing great but need to work on this other thing" routine just makes the first part sound phoney. Do something that doesn't come naturally to me but don't fake it. The final section on tips for married life quote clearly dates the book quite markedly. I get the point the book is trying to make but the implementation it suggests seems flawed and impractical.

The "Idea of EsonLinji"

I have an idea in my head. It is an idea of who I am. It is an idea built up during my youth and it probably crystalised somewhere around the end of high school and the start of university.

More and more though I think that the "Idea of EsonLinji" is both limited and incorrect. The "Idea of EsonLinji" is an individual who has a very limited range of social activities, mainly things stereotypically nerdish. An individual whose sole interest was his work, almost to the point of obsession. An individual who would not stop to smell the roses. An individual who had absolutely no interest in romance. An individual who barely lives.

The "Idea of EsonLinji" is also not who I am. The "Idea of EsonLinji" does not care about the clothes he wears. I do take some care with what I wear. I want to be more sociable. I occasionally stop and smell the roses. Work is not the be all end all of life, it is a means to enable me to do the other things in life I want to do. Romance, while I'm somewhat behind what might be considered a normal rate of progress, is something that is slowly becoming part of my life.

So the "Idea of EsonLinji" is a bad idea and an incorrect idea. And yet it continues to stick around in my mind. It is a big part of who I think I am. When put into a new situation, the first reactions that come into my mind are usually those of the "Idea of EsonLinji". One of the things that sometimes stops me from trying new things is that I think "I don't do that sort of thing". And it's usually the "Idea of EsonLinji" who says that. Most of the time when I try something new I have fun. But I still have this voice that holds me back.

So what I need to do is to update this "Idea of EsonLinji". But this seems to be a difficult thing to do. I can't just download a patch for my brain like I can for a computer. Rebooting people doesn't work.

I am however reluctant to change the "Idea of EsonLinji". When I think about who I am I think of the "Idea of EsonLinji". While limited and incorrect, it is a big part of how I see myself, and from there, the world. I feel like if I change the "Idea of EsonLinji" I'll lose who I am. I'm afraid I'll change into something I don't want to be. I want to make sure that any change is an incremental point release, not a whole new version. I want EsonLinji 1.1, not EsonLinji 2.0.

Another reason I am reluctant to change is that over time I have convinced myself that I don't really want those things I don't have. That social butterflies are just people who are vain and shallow. That people who go out drinking every night are idiots. That people who watch reality TV are uncultured barbarians. That people who have a strong belief or passion in anything are misguided or delusional. That romance was a perilous minefield in which the dangers and costs far outweighed the potential gains.

I know that these are over exaggerated generalizations. But these are part of the "Idea of EsonLinji"'s "Idea of the world". But now I'm in the awkward mental position of looking down on these things and wanting some of these things at the same time. I'd like to have a passion in life, something that made me want to get out of bed in the morning other than that I've been lying in bed for longer than any sensible person should. The fairer sex really do have a lot going for them. Drinking with friends cane be fun (but there are still some idiots who drink, but they tend to also be idiots when they don't drink). Reality TV is still the realm of the uncultured swine though.

Trying to incorporate these things is a challenge. I can see the need to incorporate some of these things into my self. But I am resistant to the idea of doing so. Indeed, I put roadblocks in the way of making progress in the matter. Man is perhaps the only creature that can sabotage it's own efforts.

So that is the problem. The solution is yet to come.

End Post
Writing time: A few hours. It was originally written in "the deeply unfortunate doings of an ill-fated life"
Time since last post: 5 days
Current media: Stephen Fry's Podgrams

Ceci n'est pas un dialogue

Dramatis Personae
Frem - a nondescript individual
Merl - another nondescript individual
Jeway - a possibly omniscient observer

(Open on Frem, slightly left of centre stage, waist deep in a pool of mud.)

Frem: Oh woe is me for I cannot get up
But once when young fortune did fill my cup
My path stretched on for years and years to come
And I was sure that it was a good one
Alas it seems my path did not run true
And now I sit as though I were in glue
My legs though still are wont to run and walk
My mind has words but my tongue will not talk
The world has not the glory it once did
Now I see the walls that used to be hid

(Enter Merl from stage right)

Merl: I walk the world with no path in mind
No plan on hand I seek naught and thus find
things more wonderful than any one can
dream or hope to find in all his life's span
The journey of life is my goal you see
to succeed I do no more than just be

Frem: Hullo strange sir, who walks by me so free
Perchance you could stop to give aid to me
This path is not as clear as it once was
and has trapped this soul from the land of Oz

Merl: Well met, good sir, and let me have my say
and I do this with no thought of delay
If I thought that you were in any need
I would render you aid with all due speed
but I cannot see this predicament
that your words and deeds so loudly lament
do you not perceive the path before you,
that obstacles are not there to go through
but for you to experience all that is
life's path is not one that is straight and true
a fact that is only revealed to few
your peril is one of your own making
for you desire the woes of which you sing
the way out of your trap is easy seen
if you were to stand up of mud you'd be clean
and with your next step life's glory returns
with a brightness so like the sun that burns

Frem: Sir, your words in tone are both soft and kind
but they make me think thou hast lost thy mind
my woes, my pains are not of my making
but all are due to fortune forsaking
my side and leaving me to sink alone
into this wretched pool that chills my bone
I wish to leave this dire and morbid hole
and be free again to pursue my goal
but truth be told at this very moment
my thoughts as to what that is aren't cogent
once more I ask of you my friend with haste
do not let me sit and remain to waste

Merl: Stranger you sit and whine and waste your time
when if you were to stop this constant rhyme
you could pull yourself out of this deep hole
and walk free and sure and again be whole

Frem: Why do you still insist on blaming me
when it is circumstance that I'm not free

Merl: You tell me that it is fate that holds you
when all can see that it's plainly not true
the reason that you are in the hole still
is simply that you are lacking the will

Frem: If you are not willing to lend me aid
then leave me be to stay I'm not afraid
I'll wait for someone who is more inclined
to help one whose soul is very refined

Merl: I've tried to help you to see that your fate
is yours to discover you need not wait
but the path ahead you choose to ignore
but sit still on your Neptunian shore

(stage darkens. Jeway speaks, seemingly from everywhere)

Jeway: Look upon these mortals and hope to learn
from one who is free and one who does yearn
who share with each other their great folly
behind their words which might seem quite jolly
though verbose they don't speak to each other
they speak at a man and do not bother
to aid or help or do naught but be heard
the message is lost they don't hear a word
they can't make headway or progress at all
and so separated one day shall fall.

End Post
Writing time: about a week or so of thought. Maybe a few hours of writing in a notebook or typing actual words
Time since last post: less than a day
Current media: None

A quotation from The Deeply Unfortunate Doings Of An Ill-fated Life

So as mentioned, here is the depressing introspective text that I wrote in a notebook. The harsh light of reality is not always pleasant. Anyway, here goes.

The Deeply Unfortunate Doings Of An Ill-fated Life is perhaps a little melancholic, but none the less has an echo of truth to it.

Life recently has not seemed to positive. The events themselves do not necessarily warrant such an extreme reaction, but they have acted as a catalyst of sorts, bringing back doubts and uncertainties I had not exorcised but had put to one side.

One of the big doubts I have is what I want to do with life. When I left high school I had a definite plan: get a degree, do honours, get a PhD, enter academia, do research, become a professor, etc, etc.

This plan has been abandoned, and as yet has not been replaced by a new plan. I have floated along in life since then, going where life takes me.

The other big doubt that eats at me is my inability to relate to, to interact with other people. Sometimes talking to people is a challenge. Sometimes in a conversation I will have nothing to say, and so I will just stay silent. In a group this means I mostly listen, while in a one on one situation means I cause an awkward silence. I know it would be proper to say something, but either I don't know what to say, have nothing to say, or don't know what I want to say, or whatever, I still go mute. Sometimes the other person fills in the gap, but often the silence prevails, and the longer it lasts, the harder it is to break. I know this is not the normal way of things.

On this aspect I have been improving, albeit very slowly, but I'm still sub-par at this. And because of this I feel like I'm missing out on parts of life. Most parts of life, actually. It took me 25 years before I had a romantic relationship. I've been in Japan 11 months and have no friends who are not connected to work. I keep in regular contact with only two friends from university, and irregular contact with a few others. In every group I'm a part of, I'm an outsider, an extra. Stuff happens with the group, and sometimes I'm included, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I don't hear about an event until after it happens. Sometimes I'll know somethings going to happen, but not when or where or who else, and am afraid to ask if I can be a part of it for fear of a) looking presumptuous by barging in and b) out right rejection or otherwise being told no. My basis for this fear is the assumption that if my presence was wanted and/or desired I'd already be invited/informed.

At any rate, a few weeks ago an incident occurred of which I'm not proud, regret and which threw these issues into a harsh light. I'm not going to go into details of what happened, but at any rate it was not my finest hour.

the consequences of that night still endure. There is now a second member of the "EsonLinji has done terribly wrong by you" club. Since then I've been feeling more morose than ever. On a positive note I have a stronger desire to take action to change the way things are going.

Last Saturday I visited a counselor in Kyoto. This is not the first time I've visited a counselor, but it is the first time I went with a definite intention to continue. I went once before, around the time I quit my PhD.

This time was a bit different. Partly because I was going of my own volition, rather than to appease a scorned master.

Mostly while I was at the counselor I just talked. On some topics once I stop talking I can keep going and going. It seems to be the small everyday talking I'm not good at, which unfortunately is the much more common and useful type of talking.

I talked about a lot of different things. The recent past, my PhD, my family, my lack of purpose in life, lots of stuff.

It's weird that I'm more comfortable talking to a counselor about some of this stuff than friends (with I think maybe 3 exceptions). Perhaps because with most friends and acquaintances it's a very casual relationship and these are serious matters. Perhaps it's because most conversations don't last long enough to get to serious matters. Yet another sign of and problem caused by my lack of social skills.

I think some of what the counselor is useful but some I'm not so sure of. This may be my cynicism showing through, although lately I think I'm too cynical. I was not too receptive to the idea of contrasting the head and the heart (intellect vs emotion). To me they are one and the same. The heart as the source of emotion is a symbol, not a fact. As a fact, the heart is a pump, nothing more. Symbolism has its uses, but reality should not be ignored to support it.

I'm also not sure of the idea of having a cynical person inside of me holding me back. My point of view is that it's just me. Perhaps this is again symbolism. I'm much more open to the ideas of facets of myself vs the idea of several different people up in my head.

This railing against symbolism brings to mind one of my favorite works, "The Sandman". In "The Sandman" the main character is Dream, the embodiment of symbols and stories, and where reality is defined by them. Maybe I'm attracted to such stories because in this and most other media I enjoy there is usually a thread of something greater going on either behind the scenes or less often right up front. I think this reflects on my general lack of purpose or meaning in life, and my desire for such things.

I've lost the sense of how to continue writing from here, so I'm going to stop. More is likely to follow.

End Post
Writing time: 34 minutes typing, several hours writing over a few days
Time since last post: 2 days
Current media: Firefly - Disc 4

Quintessentially Fungible

For the last few days I got to catch up with a good friend who came to the land of the rising sun for a few days. JP came for a few days on his way back to Australia from China. On the few cases where it has happened it has been really good to get together with someone I've known for longer than the time I've been in Japan.

I had to work on the days JP was here, so things were a bit more rushed, but seems to have been compensated by later than usual nights.

It is significantly easier to talk about things with someone I've known for quite a while. It was quite helpful to talk about some things with another human being, rather than keeping them bottled in inside.

End Post
Writing time: 15 minutes
Time since last post: 9 days (hypothetically)
Current media: Black Adder Goes Forth - Corporal Punishment

Tense Situation

There is a situation. I'm not quite sure how to think about said situation.

Past tense has a set of implications I don't really like.

Present tense has a set of assumptions I'm not sure are justifiable.

And so, yet again, I do nothing.

Life would be much easier if I could just know what other people are thinking (in a controlled directed manner, no Earshot bullshit type stuff).

End Post
Writing time: 12 minutes
Time since last post: 2 days
Current media: Cowboy Bebop - The Real Folk Blues Pt 1

Dubious Morality

A few days ago I righted a wrong that has been standing for a while. Just before I left Australia, I ordered a t-shirt from a website, and when it arrived at my uncles place, there were actually two t-shirts. Since it was a website I liked, I didn't want to rip them off, but at the same time, I had a huge credit card debt and was settling into Japan and living off less than my full wage, and then I was saving up for a computer, and so on. So anyway, since a few days ago was payday, and I'm now hassle free finance wise (other than working out how to send some money back to Oz to finish off paying the credit card off) I contacted the website to let them know of the mistake and rectify it. So, in short order the debt was paid, and life goes on.

I think I'm writing because I expected to feel a bit better about finally resolving the situation. Perhaps I've watched a little to much of My Name is Earl, but the main feeling I've gotten from this is the sense I should have done it sooner. It's not like US$24 is that huge an amount. The most correct thing to do would be to have notified them as soon as possible and pay the money then. However, I put things like buying a computer and eating food fancier than instant noodles ahead of that. I guess the thing I'm concerned about is where does this put me on the morality scales. Is my soul lighter than a feather, or is it tarnished by this and other misplaced priorities?

Maybe people will comment and I'll be able to get a bit of holier than thou righteousness on, or maybe I'll be shown as the scumbag I am.

End Post
Writing time: 15 minutes
Time since last post: 8 days
Current media: None

200 Posts

I wasn't sure which of a few things I was going to write about here, but most of them got put by the wayside when I noticed that this will be the 200th post to this blog. An arbitrary round number for sure, but it still represents a fair amount of time and thought. A fair bit has changed since I started this blog, but many things are still the same.

When I started I was about halfway through a PhD, and trying to decide if I wanted to keep going. The blog was an outlet for me to try and get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way. The posts were a lot more introspective, philosophical and emotional. Part of this was because I didn't really expect anyone to read it. It was a journal that just happened to be available to anyone who randomly came across it. It probably says something about me that I felt more comfortable opening up to random strangers than to friends and family, but given how unlikely it was that anyone actually read it at that stage, it was more a theoretical point than a practical one.

Since then I dropped out of my PhD and left academia, worked in a call center for about a year, spent about 6 months unemployed, done a little IT contracting of various levels of respectability, tutored and am now working in another country. I've visited Thailand, and just now Laos. I've gone from relative affluence to living paycheck to paycheck, and am on the way back to relative affluence (once my advance is paid off this month).

There has been one death in my immediate family, and two more in the second degree of separation. I went to two of the funerals, but due to distance and timing I didn't attend the third. These deaths have all been in the one family which has made them so much more devastating for those involved that just three randomly distributed deaths would have been.

Internally, not that much has changed. I'm still uncommunicative with a lot of people, take a long time to open up to new people, etc, etc. I get along well with the people I work with, but don't do much outside of work with them. I spend a bit of time with my housemates, but not a lot. All of the touristy stuff I've done around the place has been on my own. Sometimes I look at the people who came here around the same time or later and how much more involved with other people they are and wonder how the hell they do it.

Well, I'm going to finish this one here, as I seem to have quite distracted myself (I started to check if I was the first or zeroth degree of separation from me and have ended up about to read a maths paper by the actress who played Winnie Cooper in the Wonder Years. The chain goes something like this Six degrees of separation -> Bacon number -> Erdos-Bacon number -> Danica McKellar. Four degrees, how easy is that.).

End Post
Writing time: 1 hour 23 minutes (less distractions previously mentioned)
Time since last post: 10 days
Current media: iTunes shuffle of all the track 3s - currently Synaesthetic by the Blue Man Group

The past rears its head

Back when life was simple and I was doing a PhD, one of the things I started was a little user guide for the program I was using to do the calculations. It was mostly just saying what the heck the major input and output files were, and a few example calculations. Some of the information in there was picked up from using the program, but a lot it I picked up by actually talking with the main guy who wrote it and making lots of notes.

Anyway on Monday I got an email from a girl at a university in the US who said she'd found the guide useful and wanted to know if I had any plans to complete it as some areas such as the introduction were just blank spaces. My brief reply just said that I was no longer working with NRLMOL and had no plans to complete it.

I felt a bit bad saying that, as it was a reminder of just another thing I didn't complete with my PhD. On the other hand, it was good to know that it had been helpful to others even in its partial form. I think on the whole it was more good than bad, as I've kind of got used a little to the emotions that get associated with the non-completion of post grad (I use the word emotions because neither guilt nor depression accurately describe it, but do encompass part of it).

End Post
Writing time: 11 minutes
Time since last post: 2 days
Current media: The Long Kiss Goodnight

9131 days and counting

First up, a bit of bitching. The interview on Tuesday went well, and now the people for the data analyst job have gotten to the last stage of the recruitment process, which is to check my references. In fact, they want three references. Unfortunately I've only got two references, and one of those I haven't talked to in about a year and a half. I asked one of my supervisors from when I was doing a PhD, and they said kind of sort of, but they didn't know how positive he could be. So now I need to find another reference, maybe two more. My team leader from my last job hasn't got back to me yet to let me know if she still is willing to give me a reference. So now I may have issues getting this really good job, because I haven't had that many jobs, and decided a while ago to burn a bridge to stop me going back to bad place. I'm not yet sure what I'm going to do. I'm going to call my former team leader tomorrow, but for he rest, I don't know.

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. The last week or so I've kind of had mixed feelings about it. I've got the feeling I haven't done much with my life. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl. I've never had a real job (one that involved more than answering phones or cooking lots of chicken). I'm rapidly depleting my savings. I'm overweight and unfit. I've got very few friends. For the past month or two, I've rarely left my house except to go to the store, visit the gym or go out to play games.

So do I have anything to balance all that? I've completed an honours degree in physics, something most people would automatically assume meant I'm very, very smart. I'm the main author on a scientific paper, and a coauthor on another. I've traveled to several countries, America, Italy, France and Thailand, as well as passing through a few others en route. I've submitted a story to Slashdot (not that impressive, but I was pleased when I saw it on the main page). I can juggle three balls well enough that I wouldn't feel a fool if I were to try and busk. I got a best painted prize at a warhammer tournament. I can type while keeping my eyes closed (although I'm sure the spell checker will have a rougher time with this post).

These don't seem to quite outweigh the negatives I've listed.

I'm rather tired and it's getting late, so I'm going to do the following

to be continued...

End Post
Writing time: 40 minutes
Time since last post: 4 days
Current media: Firefly