Wednesday, October 20, 2004

More words came out than I thought would.

At the moment life sucks. Nothing in life is particularly bad, it's just that some of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so. This could partly be because I've been doing most of them for a long time. The longest period of time I haven't been doing full time study since I started primary school was between completing honors and starting my PhD. And that was a whole 5 months.

My hobbies haven't changed much either. I don't read as much as I used to, buy I stilll read the same style of books. I spend more time messing around on my computer, but don't do as much programming. Partly due to having less time, and partly because basic isn't found that much on new computers. I've tried to learn c, but never really got into it.

So now, I'm trying to make life no longer suck. I've taken time off from university. However, I don't know what I'm going to do. The problem is a bit like finding the factors of 12707. It's easy to see that 2 and 5 aren't the solution. But removing the known wrong answers doesn't reveal the right ones. Ok, for the example it does, but no example is perfect.

This is part of the attempt. Simply putting the thoughts that go through my head down in some place means that I actually have to think them through. My thoughts tend not to complete themselves, and so leaves me standing still. I hope that by trying to complete them, some sort of resolution can be reached.

This isn't all that I'm doing. Last week I went and saw a counsellor. He seemed to make some very reasonable conclusion based on the little that I said, so perhaps he knew what he was doing. His advice was to be receptive to new things and try new things. Perhaps I'll order something new next time I go to subway.

I'm not really good at doing new things. I'm not good at meeting new people. I'm not good at communicating with the people I do know. In fact, lets just say I'm not good at the whole social interaction thing. This concerns me much more now than it used to. It is one of the things contributing to my less than positive outlook on life at the moment.

Another contributor is the self contradiction that lies within me. I take pride in being different, and yet I want the things that are normal. I see couples and feel bad, because I don't know what that's like. I want these things, but when given the opportunity, I've thrown it away. Part of the reason for this is that I was still nursing the emotional wounds from the first time I tried to start a relationship with a girl. She wasn't interested and I took it hard. This reverted me back to one of my previous mindsets, that life is meant to be miserable, and that solitude, while lonely, is not painful. Now, loneliness is becoming painful, and I don't know what to do.

Why is life so complicated? Why is there no obvious purpose? With some sort of purpose, there would be aims and ideals, and progress could be seen and made. But there is no higher power to make a purpose, and a prupose of my own is just shallow and self serving, and doesn't seem enough. Perhaps this is why religion is so popular, it provides a purpose. But religion asks too much. It asks that you ignore the way the world is, and accept it as they put forward. TV shows do this too. It's called suspension of disbelief. But I don't make life decisions based on the fact the enterprise can travel faster than light. I need direction and there is none.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dude, there's nothing wrong with you. The factors are 97 and 131.