Monday, November 10, 2008

javascript:flink Top Secret

Top Secret

Eyes Only

From: Alan Smithee, Deputy Director Office of International Incidents, Central Intelligence Agency


RE: Japan and Tasty Fowl

1) Introductory Remarks
As discussed in previous briefings from this office, Japan has been subject to what appears to be a massive bombing campaign. No one has claimed responsibility for these attacks. We have a new theory to explain these events.

2) Prior Intelligence
Pooling the data collected by sources from the CIA, NSA, Echelon, DIA, FBI, and their international counterparts from Japan, the United Kingdom, Australia, Saudi Arabia and other nations has revealed absolutely zero intelligence suggesting any attack on Japan prior to the incident.

3) Investigation
Japanese law enforcement, with assistance from several US agencies has been performing forensic investigations of the sites of many explosions. So far not a single explosive device has been found.

(Warning: Do not read the following sections aloud. This is quite important)

(Really, don't do it)

4) Survivor claims
A number of people who have survived the explosions have made a similar remarkable claim. They claim that fireballs appear out of thin air when they said "itadekimasu", a phrase traditionally said in Japan before eating a meal in Japan.

5) An Unlikely Lead
This claim is on the face of it quite unbelievable, but is sufficiently common that some analysts felt that it should be tested. Initial attempts to reproduce the phenomena were unsuccessful until the analysts recruited an agent fluent in Japanese. This agent can reliably create and direct fireballs by saying the phrase

6) Other Incidents
Police records show that since the explosions in Japan, a number of Japanese restaurants in other countries have also suffered from fires and explosions. 15 cases have been reported in the United States.

7) Strategic Implications
The impact of this capability on National security is currently hard to judge. It can provide both advantages and disadvantages. It will act as a superb concealable weapon for our agents, but will also do so for hostile entities. It will also open up a new range of possibilities for the construction of IEDs.

8) Other Capabilities
Having accepted a possibility that is seemingly impossible, it may be the case that other impossible feats are no longer impossible. Less reputable news agencies such as the Daily Enquirer have been reporting a higher rate of unusual incidents that more reputable news agencies typically dismiss out of hand. Incidents include individuals flying, transmutation of objects, premonitions, telekinesis, and more. These incidents bear further investigation.

9) Recommendations
It is vital that we learn the exact capabilities and limitations of the phrase "itadekimasu", and if other such capabilities exist. We have tentatively given the project the code name Tasty Fowl, and recommend that it be expanded significantly immediately. We must systematically test the limits of "itadekimasu" and develop the ability to use and defend against it.

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