Tuesday, May 10, 2005

A whole lotta stuff just came out

Apparently the following two things are obligatory in a blog so let's see if it motivates anything

Current mood: Mopey
Current music: Journey of the Sorcerer, Toxic, So Long and Thanks for all the Fish

Once there was a girl. She was a good friend and I thought I wanted to have a more significant relationship with her. Over the course of several months I tried in a haphazard way to court her. This did not work out. With the advantage of extra knowledge gained in the few years since, and a bit of hindsight, part of this is probably because at around that time she got together with someone else, to whom she is now engaged and has moved in with. My inability to express myself probably didn't help either. But for quite some time after she told me it wasn't going to happen, I hurt quite a lot. A few months later I went to a party at which she and her boyfriend also went to. This affected me more than I expected. I ended up not eating for about 3 days, and scared some of my family into thinking I was on drugs or something.

That was about 4 years ago. It's only in the past year or so I've been open again to the prospect of some sort of romance. This was brought about by the realisation that not only was the bitterness I was still bearing making me unhappy and leading me to avoid other relationships that may have been worthwhile, it was also causing me to hurt others who tried to get involved. I still owe one person an apology for the unjustifiably rude way I treated her.

Well, it's amazing what one can do when trying to avoid the unpleasant current. I've been putting off writing about the above stuff for about as long as I've had a blog. I haven't gone into as much detail as I originally intended, but something has been written, so perhaps I can further elaborate later on.

So what exactly is it that makes dealing with past pains easier than trying to deal with it.

One of my housemates is a girl. By virtue of this fact, she probably has the highest time spent together to time known ratio of any woman not a member of my family. A while ago I decided that if something of a romantic nature developed, that would be ok. But it wasn't going to be something actively pursued, but more not provided a hostile environment to. And since then as I've got to know her better, I've learnt that it's not going to happen, and have accepted that.

The night before last (May 9, it's taken a long time to write this all up) a short conversation occurred in which the conclusion I'd already come to were stated explicitly, and it affected me more than I thought. And so I've spent the past 24 hours or so all moody. Plus it caused a really upset stomach, which with me tends only to happen with affairs of the heart. It's odd, it would seem that the physical indicator, my gut reaction if you will, that I like someone is nausea.

Anyway, that seems to be all. More details will perhaps come later, but at least it's got me writing about stuff I've been putting off writing.

End Post
Writing time 18 hours 52 minutes (please note that this time includes sleeping, watching tv, playing games, talking to others and various other uses of time and is not almost 19 hours of straight typing.)

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